1.23 l o v e.
something every one is trying to find. I want to speak about love searching; this has been me since I was 7 years old. Growing up when you are a kid who is to tell you how to define love? How do you know what love really feels like?
here's how my story goes...
My parents divorced at the age of 3, and I met both of my step parents also at the age of 3.
My Mom & her husband's relationship was verbally abusive; and mentally exhausting.
My Dad left California to move to Dallas at the age of 7.
At this moment is when I first discovered what pain felt like, also when I started to try to figure out what love really was... I would ask myself why does my mom love my step dad if their relation ship was so abusive? Why would my dad leave me if he loved me? My mom would brain wash me and tell me my dad didn't want me nor loved me. So thats all I can think of as a 7 year old.
My mom had me young, she herself was still trying to find herself... Our relationship was different, I think she had some sort of resentment, and honestly don't think she was ready to be a mom. I experienced a lot of anger from her, and seriously thought I was going to die at times when I would be in the car due to her road rage.
I always felt like I was left on the back burner... My dad lived in another state, and at the time never knew the truth on how he really felt about me. I've been struggling with depression ever since. Trying to find love within me, and from other souls. I had no idea where I would find it, or even where to search for it.
I always felt like I lived in a dysfunctional situation, all my friends would invite me over to their houses and I loved going over. This was my favorite thing to do as a kid....
I never knew what it was like to feel complete. 1 Mom 1 Dad and Siblings from both parents, i would be around their families and wish mine was the same. Dreading coming home was one of my biggest things; I lived for sleepovers.
Going back to love, it fast forwards to me as an adult. I had to grow up fast. I considered myself as like a pre adult in 6th grade. I was independent stood home alone, and took care of an infant. I didn't find true feeling of love until my relationship that lasted 9 years. Inez is 8 years older than me. I dated her at the age of 18, and cycled my years into my 20's. It wasn't the perfect relationship everyone hopes and dreams for, but she is that one person that took me under her wing and showed me what love was. No one will ever understand. She is not only my ex girlfriend, she's my best friend. The pain I feel today finding myself and still trying to understand the pain I've gone through in life; she would be the one that knows exactly what I feel. She loves me unconditionally, and I feel like love should only be that way. Whether it's in a relationship, a friendship, or a loved one. You should always love unconditional in any circumstance. I thank her for helping me be able to feel one of the greatest gifts in life.
I wanted to express how I feel about love tonight because that's my goal in life. To end up with my soulmate; loving unconditionally ride or die type shit. I been through some rough shit. & the details will be in my book; However, I love hard. When I care about someone in any shape or form, my feelings get involved. Im a very sensitive person behind closed doors, I cry often if I feel a type of way regarding a situation, especially if it is not my intention to come off a certain way. I never blame my past, or certain situations I've encountered. I do feel that a lot of my actions are based on what I've been through. Im still trying to cope with battles within my self, and I want you all to know that.
I hope I touch a soul tonight. If you are struggling with love, I promise you it's out there. A million hearts are beating. As I am waiting for the universe to tell me where the love is, you can too. You'll be ok, you're not alone.
AND it's okay to cry.
Emotions are real, and its okay to feel them.
i love you !